Experiments/Things we can do...

So, firstly, let me say that I am tremendously grateful to the response my blog has thus far received. I get so excited every time someone posts a comment saying that they relate or that it's helping them in some way, and writing last night's entry helped me more than I can express.
That said, I thought I should follow up with some of the things we can do that are recommended for helping to lift out of a deep depression, or for what's called "Recovery Maintenance" or "Relapse Prevention". And I thought that being in an episode currently, it might be interesting and useful for me to put some more effort into trying them, and then letting you all know how it goes for me.
When you're sick for years and years, you hear these things all of the time. The professionals suggest exercise, eating "right", yoga, communication/human contact/social interaction, journaling, whatever. Being me, I have about a million books on mental health and illness (research, self help, memoirs, whatever) as I tend to, as many do, search for The Answers in books. I'm going to draw on one of them in particular for this entry that I've been flipping through over the last few days to remind you of some of the simple suggestions we often ignore (or, at least, I do) in our belief that we've simply tried everything. And it's true - these aren't things that are going to "fix it" if you're sincerely in the midst of a major depressive episode - but they might ease it, take the edge off. And I've been trying some of them as of late, and for the sake of this blog and myself, am resolving to try to try (because you understand that if you're like me) to experiment a little bit more with them.

The book is: "Managing Your Depression": What you can do to Feel Better (by Susan J. Noonan, M.D., M.P.H)

I'm quoting directly...with some commentary and links added.

The Basics of Mental Health

• Treat any physical illness.
• Sleep

                     - Aim for 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night.
                     - Keep a regular sleep routine.
                     - Follow Sleep Hygiene principles to promote restorative, restful sleep. (Click Here to read some basics of "Sleep Hygiene")
                      - Use a sleep diary to track sleep patterns.

• Diet and Nutrition (now obviously this is complicated for those of us with eating disorders, but bear with me for a moment)

                       - Eat balanced, healthy meals regularly, 3 times a day.
                       - Do not use alcohol, street drugs, or excessive caffeine.

• Medications

                        - Take all medications as prescribed, even if you are feeling better. (Yes, even if you are feeling better, kids! That means they're working! Don't fuck with it. Meds for the win - if they help)
                         - Discuss with your physician all over-the-counter medications, herbs, and other supplements you take.

• Exercise regularly (as able); balance cardiovascular, stretch, and strengthening activities.
• Maintain regular social contacts and connections with others.
• Avoid isolation.
• Have a daily routine and structure your time.

That's it for the moment from "Managing Your Depression", but I'm going to add a few things that are also kind of no brainers for veterans of mental health treatment (and for newcomers, too of course - if this is your first time reading about mental health/illness, you are more than welcome, and I promise my attitude does not mean that this is hopeless - just hard).

• Mindfulness/Meditation (I highly recommend Pema Chodron's books as an introduction)
• Yoga
• And well, duh, therapy.

I actually laughed when I was looking through that list initially because my life lacks so many of those components. I'm incredibly fallible, and for someone who is depressed (or anyone) those are hard guidelines to follow! Personal health maintenance isn't easy, for some of us (or all of us, I don't know because I can't get into the brains of the Healthy Peeps) for some reason. But it's IMPORTANT. On the morning of my 25th birthday, I took the suggestion of a good friend and went for a walk. Just a walk. I usually can't make myself just Go For A Walk unless I'm walking somewhere; I didn't get my license until I was 21 or 22 due to my general fuckupery, so I love my car. I used to have to walk EVERYWHERE. But going for that walk seemed, in the moment, to generally improve my mood. I noticed the birds and the trees and the nice feeling of the air on my skin.

So...that's that for now. Again, I'm just launching this blog and I am sooo not a professional or anything of the sort, so pardon my general incompetence. I'll come back to this, though. Promise. And in the meanwhile, I will try to practice some of these things and get back to you :-)

Thanks again for your time,
Sofia

What does Depression feel like? : Part 2

My days go like this:
I wake up. The depression is a tiny seed again, something manageable. I brew coffee, I feed the cat, I feed myself. I am currently unemployed and not in school, so the content of the day - and whether I have plans - is entirely dependent on the availability of the few people I have in my life.
I make sure to get out every day. On many days, I have appointments - therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, doctor...they help sometimes, but always temporarily when I'm in a depression.
I try to give my cat the attention he deserves and I do my best to connect with other humans. I have learned that this is vital for my mental health and my will to be alive. My relationships are my highest value, and they are the reason I choose to stay alive, even when my brain turns on me.
Which it always does by nightfall, when I'm in a depressive episode, as I currently am. That seed grows into a worm, and then a tumor until it takes up almost all of the space inside of me. Sometimes I can't cry - that's how it was for years. Lately sometimes it feels like crying is all I CAN do.
I curl into the fetal position on my couch with my computer and cell phone visible and within reach on the coffee table, hoping to hear from someone. Sometimes I reach out myself, but I rarely communicate what demons are overtaking me. They have no names and the majority of the time there is no rhyme or reason to them. They simply come; roaches in my skull.
Tonight I was brave. I dragged myself into the shower, holding onto the curtain for support, and somehow managed to get dressed and drive to the only open coffee shop in my neighborhood at this hour. That's where I am now. I am waiting to feel tired enough to go home, type this up, and (hopefully) fall asleep within a few hours.
Because as though the depression weren't agonizing enough on its own, it is often accompanied by unresolvable insomnia. For many chronic insomniacs the sleeping meds stop working as they develop a tolerance, as I apparently have, yet again. Add that to the mental checklist of things to tell my psychiatrist next week.
Years of depression have dulled my ability to hope. Years of treatment have somewhat revived it, but when I am depressed I also become incredibly irritable at times, which makes it very difficult to Stay Positive.
I have, like many who struggle with mental illness, read endlessly about it. I have read that Resilience is the difference - to oversimplify things - between those who Make It Though and those who don't. My personal experience, though, has shown that even some of the most resilient people I have known lose their lives to mental illness in some form or other. My best friend joined their ranks in July, and I have many friends whose lives I fear for.
When you have been sick for as long as you can remember, you know (and love) a lot of very sick people, which is further depressing. My personal belief is that this does not mean a person should stop loving or caring for their also sick friends - but perhaps, as I have to decided, to not make any more as much as is possible, and to attempt to make some healthy friends as well. I'm lucky. I have a few.
But most of the people in my life that I love, value, respect, and trust are extraordinarily busy.
The harsh truth is that people don't always have time for you - even when you need them the most. Your mental illness is not their responsibility. This is not to say that they can't or shouldn't love, care for, and support you - or that you don't deserve it - it just means that at the end of the day it's you and yourself and your demons, whenever they may choose to show up.
There's a sense of injustice. For me at least. I am a good person and I know it. Andrew Solomon stated in his TED Talk on Depression (see the previous blog entry) that "Our needs are our greatest assets. It turns out I've learned to give all the things I need."
I love that and it rings loud and clear and close to home. I am the person who will show up for you when you need someone but can't ask. I am intuitive in that way.
And this comes from my intimacy with my own unmet needs.
In the car on the way here I recalled something stupid I said to someone whose opinion I highly value over a YEAR ago and I flinched and my entire body tensed. This is not uncommon in depression - obsession and rumination over insignificant past interactions. I've had enough therapy that I quickly remind myself that I am powerless over the past, that I am human, and that the other person probably doesn't even remember it.
So how to wrap this up? I haven't expressed even a fraction of what I hoped to, but I guess this will have to suffice for the moment.
Part 2 of "What does Depression feel like?" is complete, and I am going home to type this up soon.
Thank you for your time,
Sofia