Something feels different this time.

Hi, everyone -

It's been a long while since I've updated this blog; a lot has happened since, but here I am - still here, still alive in the world. I have a lot to tell you, but I'm going to make the focus of this entry the journal entry I want to share with you, and I'll come back tomorrow and the next day and fill you in on the rest.
Those of you who know me know that I have suffered with this illness - the eating disorder, both Anorexia and Bulimia, as well as the Depression - chronically. It has been chronic, it has been severe, and the prognosis was not good. I am not the only person who had come to believe that I could not get better; I expected death, by the eating disorder or, more likely I thought, suicide.
I want to get to bed soon-ish because I am currently in treatment at the Partial level of care (you go during the day but sleep somewhere else) and have to wake up freakishly early to get there on time, but basically, the purpose of this particular blog entry is this: I want people to know that recovery is possible, even when you've given up on yourself. Even for the "Chronic", the hopeless. No matter how long you've been suffering and/or how bad it's been, something can shift, and it can happen when you least expect it. This entry may be missing some things, as I'm in a hurry, but I promise not to ditch the blog again; I want to share what I'm doing with others, particularly those who feel desperately hopeless, and I'll come back and fill you all in. So here's the entry I wrote in my personal journal just over an hour ago:

"Holy hell, I just spent the last three hours actually with other people, talking and engaging...with one of my roommates, M____, and another girl in Program, M____, who came over. SO out of character for me: every day I come back to the apartment, shut my door, and watch Netflix until I can fall asleep. I have grown to be afraid of actually interacting with others, and I never told anyone that I'm well aware that this 'routine' is isolation and based out of fear and anxiety, because I didn't want to have to change. But tonight M____ and I were walking back to the apartment together from where the Van drops us off, and we were talking, and it was fun...so I had a cigarette with her on our balcony. And we grew more and more honest and vulnerable with one another, and I grew progressively more and more comfortable, so I stayed. I became internally anxious when she told me M____ was coming over; I didn't know her well. But I decided to give her a chance. I told them I'd have to go call my parents and shower soon because I wanted an 'out' - but I stayed, and I wound up staying for hours, until it was getting late (considering how early I wake up) and I had to tear myself away to go actually shower. Generally I'd immediately watch Netflix after a shower (and it should be noted that my showering on a regular basis is not only major progress but incredibly recent), but I thought it would be good for me to journal. I'll probably watch a little of my show or read before bed, but tonight I'm choosing to veer away from my rigidity and routine - and to let that be okay.
My progress amazes me. It's incredible. It took ten months in treatment for it to become noticeable, measurable progress, but lately it's been one miracle after another - obvious things, and so fast. I have never done my laundry on a regular basis. I have gone months without doing laundry. I became so used to not doing it that I became afraid, in a weird way, to do it - I'd occasionally have thoughts about it, but not doing it was so much easier, safer, and more normal to me. I have done my laundry not once but twice in the last week, and I've come to discover that it just isn't that big of a deal. Not only does it take VERY little time, but doing it helps me to feel empowered, proud, and more confident that my recovery may actually last this time. This time may actually be different. For most people on this planet, doing their laundry is not groundbreaking: but I have lived with myself for over 25 years now, and I know what a big deal it is for me. It IS groundbreaking, for me, and it's a sign that something is honestly changing. For months now I've been trying every day to get myself to do it, but each time I'd tell myself: "Come on now...you know you're never actually going to."
And so I never did.
Today, I do my laundry. And that makes me brave.
Tonight I looked at my heavy body in the mirror, naked, after the shower; and I told myself that I was beautiful. What I am doing right now, and the ways in which I am changing, is a miracle.
I don't often go into the details with people about the severity of the behaviors I used or of the medical complications I suffered as a result because I don't want to 'trigger' anyone (people with eating disorders are often triggered by such things when in their illness), and because today I am not proud. But that I am alive is mindblowing. My body has suffered from sixteen YEARS of abuse - and I did not have a "mild" or "moderate" eating disorder. I have been in critical positions medically over, and over, and over - and I WANTED to die, because I was so desperately, despairingly anguished and hopeless, that I would not see a doctor or go to the emergency room - knowing that I was critically ill physically. I hoped that it would kill me. The miracle of my survival, of my body's resilience, felt like punishment - a curse. I would be up at some ungodly hour when everyone else was asleep because I could NEVER sleep, crying because I was alive.
For the first nine months or so of my treatment here at Eating Recovery Center, not much was different as far as my mental state was concerned. I spent every single therapy session with my beautiful therapist - and this was three times a week for nine months - talking about the depth of my hopelessness. My despair. How I wished things could be different - and I honestly did - but that I knew that things could not and would not change for me.
...and then, things did. Things began to change, after over a decade and a half, so slowly at first that I didn't notice. And then still so slowly, I thought I was imagining it. Then STILL so slowly, and it felt so impossible still, that I was too afraid to trust that it could be legitimate.
Very, very recently, I began to notice that something had definitely changed, and I slowly allowed myself to begin to believe that the small shifts I saw and felt in myself might be real. And I was scared, I was terrified, that by daring and pushing myself to believe in myself, and to allow myself to begin to have hope, that I was setting myself up to feel shattered. I had wanted things to change - I had been praying for the ability to experience hope - for years, and it felt like it was so unrealistic and unlikely and impossible that I could ever actually REALLY feel hope that I felt by believing it was real, I was almost being mean to myself.
It still scares me on some level, to allow myself to trust that these changes could last. But oh boy, I do let myself feel hope. And - I'll say it - even JOY. And confidence, empowerment, PRIDE. Yes, in MYSELF.
I also feel uncertain, and I feel afraid, and nervous. I feel suspicious. I am by no means, in NO way, overly confident.
Both are possible at the same time.
I have no clue what my future will bring. I'm utterly in the dark about what that will look like. I have a very deep understanding of the fact that it is extremely likely that I will relapse again. It's actually probably more likely, considering the history, than not.
But I allow myself this much: something feels different. I suspect that the outcome may be different this time.
It feels amazing.
Don't get me wrong - on occasion I have thoughts like: "Who are you kidding?"
But I have retorts. I choose not to indulge those thoughts.
There was a time in my life when I didn't have a choice."

That's all, for tonight. I'll be back. Love, peace, hope to you all <3

Sofia

Experiments/Things we can do...

So, firstly, let me say that I am tremendously grateful to the response my blog has thus far received. I get so excited every time someone posts a comment saying that they relate or that it's helping them in some way, and writing last night's entry helped me more than I can express.
That said, I thought I should follow up with some of the things we can do that are recommended for helping to lift out of a deep depression, or for what's called "Recovery Maintenance" or "Relapse Prevention". And I thought that being in an episode currently, it might be interesting and useful for me to put some more effort into trying them, and then letting you all know how it goes for me.
When you're sick for years and years, you hear these things all of the time. The professionals suggest exercise, eating "right", yoga, communication/human contact/social interaction, journaling, whatever. Being me, I have about a million books on mental health and illness (research, self help, memoirs, whatever) as I tend to, as many do, search for The Answers in books. I'm going to draw on one of them in particular for this entry that I've been flipping through over the last few days to remind you of some of the simple suggestions we often ignore (or, at least, I do) in our belief that we've simply tried everything. And it's true - these aren't things that are going to "fix it" if you're sincerely in the midst of a major depressive episode - but they might ease it, take the edge off. And I've been trying some of them as of late, and for the sake of this blog and myself, am resolving to try to try (because you understand that if you're like me) to experiment a little bit more with them.

The book is: "Managing Your Depression": What you can do to Feel Better (by Susan J. Noonan, M.D., M.P.H)

I'm quoting directly...with some commentary and links added.

The Basics of Mental Health

• Treat any physical illness.
• Sleep

                     - Aim for 7 to 8 hours of sleep each night.
                     - Keep a regular sleep routine.
                     - Follow Sleep Hygiene principles to promote restorative, restful sleep. (Click Here to read some basics of "Sleep Hygiene")
                      - Use a sleep diary to track sleep patterns.

• Diet and Nutrition (now obviously this is complicated for those of us with eating disorders, but bear with me for a moment)

                       - Eat balanced, healthy meals regularly, 3 times a day.
                       - Do not use alcohol, street drugs, or excessive caffeine.

• Medications

                        - Take all medications as prescribed, even if you are feeling better. (Yes, even if you are feeling better, kids! That means they're working! Don't fuck with it. Meds for the win - if they help)
                         - Discuss with your physician all over-the-counter medications, herbs, and other supplements you take.

• Exercise regularly (as able); balance cardiovascular, stretch, and strengthening activities.
• Maintain regular social contacts and connections with others.
• Avoid isolation.
• Have a daily routine and structure your time.

That's it for the moment from "Managing Your Depression", but I'm going to add a few things that are also kind of no brainers for veterans of mental health treatment (and for newcomers, too of course - if this is your first time reading about mental health/illness, you are more than welcome, and I promise my attitude does not mean that this is hopeless - just hard).

• Mindfulness/Meditation (I highly recommend Pema Chodron's books as an introduction)
• Yoga
• And well, duh, therapy.

I actually laughed when I was looking through that list initially because my life lacks so many of those components. I'm incredibly fallible, and for someone who is depressed (or anyone) those are hard guidelines to follow! Personal health maintenance isn't easy, for some of us (or all of us, I don't know because I can't get into the brains of the Healthy Peeps) for some reason. But it's IMPORTANT. On the morning of my 25th birthday, I took the suggestion of a good friend and went for a walk. Just a walk. I usually can't make myself just Go For A Walk unless I'm walking somewhere; I didn't get my license until I was 21 or 22 due to my general fuckupery, so I love my car. I used to have to walk EVERYWHERE. But going for that walk seemed, in the moment, to generally improve my mood. I noticed the birds and the trees and the nice feeling of the air on my skin.

So...that's that for now. Again, I'm just launching this blog and I am sooo not a professional or anything of the sort, so pardon my general incompetence. I'll come back to this, though. Promise. And in the meanwhile, I will try to practice some of these things and get back to you :-)

Thanks again for your time,
Sofia