[The above photo is the bumper sticker on the car I now have :-)]
I'm sorry I'm so inconsistent in my entries. I hope over time I'll become more regular at blogging; maybe I'll pick a day of the week or something. I can't believe it's been two months since my last entry!
So I'm planning on this entry being more of an update than on a specific topic, but we'll see if a theme arises.
A lot has happened over the last two months. I've now been in Santa Cruz, in Transitional Living and an Intensive Outpatient Program (called Lotus) for eating disorders for nearly three months. Three months ago, I left the Eating Recovery Center in Denver after a full year of either 24 hour or 12 hour a day care, and came here to start the next chapter of my life. I was nervous but excited - I felt uncertain but more hopeful than I ever had that I could continue to take steps forward into the world, without an eating disorder. That's not to say that I don't still have an eating disorder, because I do - but I'm in recovery. Recovery looks different for everyone. We did an exercise in a group recently where we had to write out the "Green, Yellow and Red" signs - Green being everything is going well in recovery, Yellow being things are tenuous, and Red meaning a full on relapse and that action needs to be taken. We then had to write out our needs for each. We noticed that everyone's Greens, Yellows and Reds were very different. For me at the moment "Green" means binging and purging at most three times every two weeks if that, and struggling with mild restriction but working to actually follow my meal plan, and so on. Green might also for me mean pursuing my education (and I signed up for a GED class, which I will be starting on Tuesday - so three full days from now), engaging socially at least while in program, taking care of basic things I once couldn't like showering and laundry and chores, and so on. There are a lot of Greens, Yellows, and Reds, but the point is that for another person "Green" might mean not using behaviors at all and having no thoughts or urges. It varies. Because for me my current "Green" does include using behaviors (though so much less than ever before), one of my needs for Green was the reminder that this isn't where it ends...when I was in treatment in Denver, and still binging and purging a couple of times a night, I told my dietitian that things were great. I sincerely meant it. I thought that was as good as it could get, for me - bear in mind I had been binging and purging for about 12 hours a night and not eating anything during the day prior to treatment. But she looked at me and smiled a little sadly and said "Sofia, we believe in better for you than this. You've made so much progress, but we believe that you can aim higher. You don't have to settle."
I still need that reminder these days. Because my eating disorder is so much less severe than it used to be, it doesn't feel like a problem anymore - but it is. Firstly, which I was reminded of recently, by using certain behaviors (primarily very mild restriction I've been struggling with for my whole time at Lotus) I'm keeping the door open to the eating disorder. I was reminded of this when recently I experienced a severe shift in my mentality after just two days of restricting a little more intensely - suddenly I wanted to restrict everything, and it took hold so quickly and felt so very powerful. I knew that if I didn't "tell on myself" to my treatment team, I could be in for a very serious relapse. And because I've grown to adore and deeply trust my therapist, Micah, I told her everything in an email. They already knew that something was going on, but she helped me get back on track. For the last few days I have followed my meal plan to the T. I do look forward to the day I can eat what I want when I want, but my dietitian Christina (who I've also grown to trust, most of the time, and really like) says I'm not there yet. And I have to trust them.
I also bought a car, so getting around is much easier. I've been readjusting to driving, as I went the full year without, and that's been scary sometimes but for the most part I'm doing very well and I haven't hit anything or anyone, so there's something! I'm sure it'll come back after a couple of weeks. It's only been a week.
As far as the GED class goes, I am terrified. Which brings me into something else I've mentioned on Facebook - I've strongly suspected for years that I have some sort of learning disability, but because I was always in crisis with the eating disorder or the Bipolar it was never a good time to address it, it was never the priority. I mentioned it to my wonderful psychiatrist, Dr. McGuire, shortly before I left ERC - I literally just said "You know, I think I have something else that we haven't talked about..." and before I could finish my sentence, she said: "ADHD?" I was startled into silence for a moment. She had been suspecting it as well, but because I was leaving so soon didn't want to put me on any new medications.
I started feeling very, very nervous about school. One of my big fears is that I'm incapable of functioning as an adult - and I can see so clearly in retrospect that a lot of this comes from always failing in school (quite literally failing all of my classes since I was a small child) despite feeling that I was intelligent. I felt like there was something wrong with me that couldn't be helped or fixed. So with class coming up, I brought it up again with my new psychiatrist, who wanted me to try school out for a week or two and if it didn't go well we could talk about a non-stimulant medication (obviously because stimulants are appetite suppressants she didn't want to immediately put me on one of those) - but after talking with her, with class coming up so soon, I realized that if I took this class and had serious trouble it would only be reinforcing this very dangerous belief I have that I'm incapable - so I made an appointment with the primary care doctor I've been seeing out here, and I had that appointment today. After a lengthy questionnaire the diagnosis was confirmed, and he was very surprised it hadn't been addressed sooner. So I'm starting on the non-stimulant, and if that doesn't help he's going to talk to my treatment team at Lotus and talk to them about potentially trying a stimulant.
I'm a little nervous my psychiatrist will be mad at me for going to another doctor, but I sincerely feel like I did what I needed to do to get my needs met. She's a little slow on the uptake, as kind as she is, and she said we could "talk about maybe getting me tested". So I went ahead and got myself tested. Anyway, there's some relief in confirming my suspicious; in retrospect it seems to clear to me, I can see its role in so many different areas of my life - school, work, even treatment and socializing. I really believe that if we can find a medication that helps me that this might significantly change my life for the better, and I so hope so. I'm so scared that it won't, but I so hope so. I guess I just have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
All of that aside, let's see...I mentioned my therapist, Micah. She has helped me immensely, and I'm so grateful I have her. I email her almost every night with a summary of the day, and she's actually asked me to do so because I express myself better through writing than in the moment. In therapy I occasionally have something to talk about but most of the time on the spot I forget everything, and my memory is spotty anyway, so it's helpful for both of us. I also find that it's easier to be more honest in my emails than it is in person - I don't ever flat out lie to her, but there are things I'm too afraid to say in person, and so I write them to her and we follow up on them in our sessions when needed. I've worried sometimes that I'm too attached to her, that I shouldn't depend on her or like her as much as I do, but she says my level of attachment is absolutely normal. I don't have many people in my day to day life at the moment outside of treatment, and she's helping me when I'm in this place of "No longer sick, but not yet well" - I'm in limbo, and it's very uncomfortable. I'm having to relearn everything I never learned how to do. I never learned how to live as an adult.
This entry is all over the place, like my brain. Sorry about that, guys. So in general, I work to get through every day. Some days I don't know what to do with myself. Today we had "Mermaid Breakfast" (the Transitional House I'm in is called the "Mermaid House", and three times a week we have a supervised breakfast followed by a life skills group), and then I went to yoga with a friend. Oh, my god, did I hate Vinyasa! I've only ever been to treatment yoga and one restorative yoga class, so this was a wake up call - those yoga people are STRONG! I was shaking throughout the whole class, because while I'm very flexible I am not physically strong. We'll see if I go back. Maybe I should give it a chance, and try it out a few times before I write it off completely. After yoga I went to the doctor's and then had an appointment with the dietitian (my dietitian is out of town this week so I met with the other one) and came up with new meal ideas. I'm slowly learning how to cook, but I don't have much of a variety in what I eat right now, so now I have a few more ideas. I feel impaired when it comes to food - it's all so new. Tomorrow I have a full day off of program, and I'm going to cook salmon with lemon and rosemary, and quinoa and rice and brussel sprouts and asparagus. I'm trying to cook for the week's dinners. Anyway, if any of you have easy meal ideas, please share them! I'd love to hear them. Maybe I'll make a list in this blog.
Well, I'm going to retire soon to watch Parks and Recreation (which I've been binge watching) and then continue re-reading the "Hunger Games". Evening is my favorite time of day, when I can crawl into bed and watch Netflix and read. Love it.
I've also, over the last year or so, developed an even fiercer love for my parents than I have ever felt in my life. I've always loved them dearly, despite all we've been through together, but somehow their growing older is hitting me now more than ever. I feel so privileged and blessed to have the parents that I do. They aren't involved in my treatment at all and never really have been; I think they don't know what to do with it all. But they've never given up on me, and whenever I've chosen to seek help they have supported me. My father is stoic, quiet and very intellectual, and every so often his beautiful big heart comes out and warms me from head to toe. He's the sweetest, most intelligent, wonderful man I've ever met. My mother is also very sharp, and funny - even when she doesn't mean to be. She loves cats, and she loves many people, and she loves me. I've never doubted that. My mother had three miscarriages and a painful surgery in order to finally conceive - and at 40 and 41, my parents had their first child - me. And they have never stopped loving me, despite all I've put them through. I'll write more on this another time, it deserves its own entry. But for now, here's a picture my mom will probably reprimand me for posting, of both of my parents (slightly fried) in Costa Rica. Love you, Mom and Dad. More than you'll ever know.
So that's the end of this incredibly scattered blog entry. Thanks for reading, if you got this far!
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