The Foundation On Which I'm Rebuilding My life.

Hi, everyone!

I haven't written in a few months, and a lot has happened in the interim. A few people have been asking me to start a blog specifically on recovery from an eating disorder; I nearly did, but I think I'm going to stick with this one. I'm going to try to blog more regularly, and of course much of what I write about will be related to or directly about recovering from an eating disorder, but eating disorders are so often tied to other co-occurring mental illnesses and while there are some wonderful resources out there, it's difficult to find much on how to cope with both simultaneously.
I'm committed to being more organized and regular in my blogging. In looking over my old posts I can see that I've started to tackle certain topics, with the intention of revisiting them later, and that that ended up not happening a few times. As a lot of you know, I'm extremely open about what's going on with me on Facebook, and I've been questioning whether I want to keep doing that directly on Facebook. A blog is still the internet, yeah, but at least it's a forum meant specifically for such openness. So we'll see what happens in that arena.

So. I graduated from ERC, after a full year of intensive treatment there...and I had agreed to/committed to coming to a Transitional Living facility, so here I am in Santa Cruz. I'm actually still doing a combination of PHP/IOP - Intensive Outpatient five days a week and Partial two days a week. The goal is to taper down to IOP three days a week, and then to pure outpatient treatment - which just means appointments with a therapist, dietitian and psychiatrist - while demonstrating a capacity to live "real life" in the world, in recovery, without the support of a treatment program. The facility itself seems very good, though it's only been three weeks and I'm still feeling it out. I like my therapist very much, though I'm still getting to know her. 

I don't know how long I'll be here. There's a chance I'll stay for some time after I complete Intensive Outpatient, and just stay at the "Mermaid House" (that's what the transitional house is called - I hate the name, but it's a good place) and do outpatient...really take this slowly. Again and again and again I've been told to throw out my timeline; I was hoping to be home by September to move in with some wonderful friends of mine, but no one seems to feel good about me leaving in August or September, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. One of my potential roommates-to-be/one of my best friends told me essentially that whatever happens is okay. Another idea is that if we don't end up getting a place together, whenever I do return home I may find an apartment in their apartment complex, and then we'd be near one another and still able to see each other regularly.

As for the quote..."Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life"...I find comfort and empowerment in those words. It helps that I'm a massive Harry Potter freak and regard J.K. Rowling as something of a personal God, but more than anything it just gives me hope that what I'm doing is not impossible. It awakens a determination in me that I think is always there, but hides sometimes out of fear. It just rings true. I got into recovery not because I had an epiphany, not because I realized that I could have a better life - I went into treatment for the millionth time because I had nowhere else to go. I was desperate and hopeless and I didn't want to be there and I tried to leave several times - and all of this not because I didn't want to get better, but because I did not believe it was possible. I didn't think I could. It took the majority of my stay to get to hope, for the belief that it might be possible to come into being, and here I am now. I still struggle daily with thoughts that "I can't do this", or "I can't handle this". Multiple times every day. And I don't know how to deal with it, really, except to tell myself that I'm already doing it, that it may be slow and that there are no guarantees, but I've done an okay job at changing so far, and maybe I don't know everything - maybe, if I just keep going and don't give up...logically that should lead me somewhere better. I have more of a choice now than I ever have. I have more distance from the disorder.
But the uncertainty and fear still accompany me in everything I do. That's just the truth.

Anyway, I'll write more another time - I have to get ready to go in for the day (today's one of my PHP days). If there's anything any of you want me to write on specifically, please let me know. I want this blog to be helpful to others - I want people to see that someone who has been "Chronic" can get better, but that recovery doesn't look perfect, you don't always feel like you can do it, and you can keep going anyway - but I also want to address any topics people want to read about. 

Thanks as always for reading,

Sofia