"I finally vented to someone (a counselor named Marisa) about the way ERC is so much more targeted to the treatment of undereating than the struggle of overeating and/or binging. This center and frankly most centers are so focused on making certain that the patients are eating enough that the fact that for some, saying "I am not hungry" is a victory goes unnoticed and unacknowledged. Because of this attitude even amongst patients it's generally more acceptable or "cooler" to struggle with Anorexia or undereating, so even those whose primary or only struggle is eating when not hungry, overeating and/or binging will often pretend their struggles are what they aren't; thus their treatment is ultimately a waste of time, ineffective, as they never address the true issue, and they may even leave worse off than when they arrived. I know for me it's now hard to NOT eat at specific times - even if I'm not at all hungry. That is counterproductive...that's making the situation worse than it was to begin with. I think I'm going to bring this up in Community group today. People here are more ashamed of overeating and often even proud of restricting/starving, and THEY'RE ALL EATING DISORDERS. Disorders. Ideally we'd never see one as somehow "better" than another. We are all here to have a go at/attempt recovery. Ideally, there wouldn't be any judgment around any of it, let alone pride - it's sad and fucked up that anyone would be proud of any self harming behavior. Disordered behavior in any form serves a purpose of some sort and at times one of the functions, for some, is to get attention, to "be seen", and that is very often judged as well, which is also screwed up. If that weren't so judged the people who use their behavior to serve that purpose would be less likely to hide that truth, that that is one of the major functions or a need being met, and they'd be able to address it, and more likely to get well sooner.
And the pride that so often accompanies certain eating disordered behavior or a starved body speaks to a lot of different types of dysfunction, including but not limited to how screwy our society as well as what is considered attractive is.
Are we all not human beings? We are born a certain way and that's it; we all have bodily functions and voices and eyes and hands if we're lucky, we all age, we all develop personalities and values and belief systems...we all have emotions and desires and intentions that serve functions. All of us have needs and those needs are constructed based on what we are taught and learn is right or what we believe or the way we're born and come into the world to begin with. How did we come to construct these completely bizarre, pointless and even harmful ideals? Who decided one day what was "ugly"? What was shameful? Random examples, scars and stretch marks. Most of us have them. What about them makes them so unacceptable or undesirable? Were we bored one day - did we develop ideals to have rules to follow, to give us ways to spend our time? Because I can think of a lot of ways to spend our time that would be a hell of a lot more meaningful, graceful, kind, loving, and productive. What the hell has happened in our society?"
That's all for today.
YES. Oh my gosh this is exactly why I feel like ERC made me worse. They addressed my restricting and none of my binging/food addiction. And frankly that's why I restrict in the first place so it's no surprise that I'm no better off now. I'm so glad you wrote this, it's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I also felt the extreme competition and unhealthy environment there, more so than at any other place. Even from the doctors, I went to acute before I went to erc and I felt like the doctors treated me better for being "sicker" than the other patients and to be honest I wasn't even sicker! I was just thinner but mentally/physically/all other ways there were people much worse off than me. But Dr. Weiner in particular made me feel special because of my weight. That is so sick, no wonder I feel more worse off after leaving there.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your response; I've been feeling very insecure about writing a blog in general, but I do it anyway because I hope it'll help someone out, and because I believe some of the things I think and feel are worth getting out there, especially when so few are willing to put themselves out there in the first place - so your feedback means a lot to me.
DeleteI do want to say that I don't mean to badmouth ERC, because while it has some faults (as all centers do - I think the things I mentioned are commonplace in almost every place I've been) it's also helped me get to a place I've never been before in my recovery, and I'll never forget that. I'm beyond grateful for what they've done and are continuing to do for me. It's a great place, but these things do need to be said, heard, and addressed. I read this journal entry to my Psychiatrist and Therapist today and mentioned these concerns to one of the counselors, and all of them listened very carefully and seemed to really take it in. I may go to some of the higher ups who run the place and express these thoughts to them, as well, and hopefully someone who can change things will internalize it all. I'm so sorry this was your experience. It strikes me and sounds familiar, being treated "better" as a "sicker" patient; I've experienced this in more than just one center. I think it's utterly unintentional but so counterproductive and important to recognize and change. I hope you'll seek help for yourself now; I don't know where you're at, but the earlier you get help, the sooner you can move on with your life and the less suffering you'll encounter. I'm sending you so much love and gratitude and hope.
Do you mind me asking how treatment has helped with the overeating aspect if/when they don't seem to address listening to hunger cues and etc? It seems like that would be counterintuitive, but at the same time you've found it helpful so I'd really like to hear more!
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